Monday, February 29, 2016
OUR CARS ARE FINALLY GONNA BE ON THE WAY. YOU READY FOR THIS SHIT?
WATCH VIDEO. BOW DOWN TO SECRET EVIL GENIUS ELON MUSK. REPORT BACK.
It's going up this Monday. We did it on the way to Bath and cut it with footage from the whole trip.
Before, he might have started looking at all the things he had done and said and wondered where he went wrong. Retraced his verbal steps to pinpoint exactly where the breakage was before she started getting distant. What it was that sparked up the fear in her, what caused her to get upset. What he did. She’s a woman who goes through her emotions like they’re lightning bolts. She never knows when they’re going to strike, never knows how hard they’ll hit. But when they hit, they hit.
“you have this kind of mentality where you need to fix things or me sometimes but it can't always be like that.”
“this entire conversation is humiliating me, why won't you let it go.”
“You can’t just fix me.”
“Dais, I’m not trying to fix you - I just want to lo…”
She spins around, marching right up to him as she places a finger to his lips. “Don’t say it, Alex. Do. Not. Say. It.”
“Say what? That I lov…”
“Jesus, Alex! Will you stop? Just stop, okay. All of this. This isn’t me. I can’t be the girl you want me to be. I’m not just going to adhere to the things you want, how you want them, when you want them just because it would be easier. Just so that I can be nicer. I am who I am, okay? I’m a fucked up person. I don’t want to be tied to my phone, I’m going to be out at the pubs and I’m going to flirt, my hours are unreliable, I don’t want anyone acting like they own me. This is what you’d get. I’m no good. This is what I do. Give me something solid and I’ll hand it back shattered. Every single time.”
“I don’t want you in any way other than the way you are right now. All I asked is if you’d just talk to me. That’s all.”
“You pushed it.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. Dais, come on. Let’s just go back inside.”
“I don’t do all this happiness fairytale shit, Alex. Why won’t you let it go? You’re not my hero in this story you’ve created for us. So stop trying to be.”
He’s kind of selfish in that way.
Not overtly, but it's there. He's starting to realize it the more he looks within. He doesn’t place demands on all that she is as a person but she's shifted parts of herself to make things fit. She'll say she's so glad they're both talking to each other and that she can confide in him but will she end up feeling so unlike herself that it becomes too much? She's already put so much blame on herself and he's worried she'll keep having moments where she wonders what it's all been for. He's changed, too, or at least he's trying to and they agree that changes can be for the better but he wonders if she'll start resenting him. If he's overstepped boundaries. If she feels like he's trying to put everything into neat little boxes and keep them that way. They could never be confined.
He makes sure she knows that she is loved and cared for but unconsciously he would like things a certain way. When she has moments of doubt, he wants her to stop all that she is doing and talk to him about it right away so they can discuss everything together. As though she is always in control of her emotions. He knows that’s not how it works. He knows, and she constantly tells him, she’s a woman of extremes who can get from neutral ground to level 10 in a matter of minutes. One thing, no matter how seemingly insignificant, can manage to cause a chain reaction in her mind and disrupt all positive thoughts. He knows this, but when push comes to shove it's hard to just keep that in mind at the forefront and take things in without getting too invested with it. He's in it, he's dedicated, his entire heart is out there so everything is multiplied.
Still, he is always pushing and pushing and pushing for her to just talk to him. As though that wouldn’t be something she’d fucking do if she could help it at all times. But sometimes she just can’t. Sometimes, it is so much more than he could ever even begin to realize. Her irrationality is merely born out of insecurities. He'd like to shield her from it all but there's no magic marker to erase the parts of her past that sting. You'd think he'd realize it by now. It doesn't have to be some reflection of him. It's not about him. She'll have her moments. It happens. Something he keeps reminding himself over and over and over again.
He's the calm and collected one, they say. Mostly on the outside. Time to start changing up those insides.